While driving out to my sister's farm in ND I was confronted with the often schizophrenic dichotomy that is my heart/desires. I love the wide open spaces in northern MN. I love the terrible isolation. I love the quaint, dated hotels and diners, the odd museums and historical sites (e.g. the "Wayside Chapel in Fosston, MN that is roughly the size of an outhouse, the Wild Game Museum near Bagely, MN, etc.). There are these great little towns with populations like 81. It makes me long to live out here (I'd love to be pop 82 and 83). I love the small quaint churches that still use hymnals, organs and pianos. All this from the girl that loves the fact Target, Trader Joes and Meijer are minutes from my house. I love hosting frequent parties and walking to my friends' houses. I love my large vibrant church with our band, young pastoral staff, and all the diverse personalities that come with a large population of people. I love that restaurants stay open past 10 p.m. and that I can get delivery until midnight on the weekends. If it weren't for my husband and the Lord I think my life would look a little bit like my parent's house when they bought it. The previous owner had started and stopped and changed multiple projects in the house. It's like he would see something and completely change the plan for the remodel and never finish anything. So I am now looking to live somewhere West and North with some of the conveniences of the East, not too rural but not too city, near family, near the mountains and a lake, in an old farmhouse with lots of original woodwork but with an open floor plan and it should resemble a log cabin, with lots of privacy and acreage but within walking distance of good friends. There should be good coffee shops and fun, eclectic shopping near-by. The grocery stores need to be stocked with local produce and whatever exotic food the new recipe I'm experimenting with calls for. There should be lots of snow in the winter but excellent snow removal people working 24 hours a day and warm balmy summers with no humidity. My husband is convinced I need therapy. I see nothing extreme in my desires. ;-p
It may be that what I truly desire is heaven and the all-consuming, ever present presence of the Lord satisfying my soul completely with Himself. Sometimes I think my inability to be completely satisfied has more to do with my looking for my heavenly home. This world is a nice place to visit but it's not home. Nothing solidifies that sentiment more deeply in my heart than thinking of all those that I love who have gone on before me. When I read these blogs and think of all they have lost and are going through and will continue to go through, my heart aches for a place with no more tears and no more sorrow. True contentment, I have come to believe, has more to do with longing for the Lord more than we long for anything else. My heart is more satisfied when I long for Him than when I focus on the strange inconsistent desires outlined above. My desire for 2008 is that I will be filled with longing for my Savior and that I will keep my eyes fixed on Him, the Author and Perfector of my faith.