So I was struck with the realization that I am going to be a mother in a few short months. This may sound rather obvious to some of you as I am after all pregnant and having been trying for a couple years to get there. However, in the process of becoming parents we chose not to focus on that but rather on what God had in front of us right then (whatever moment we were in) and to do it to the best of our abilities. This has led to me "finding myself" and maybe even defining myself in a lot of roles that motherhood will change. Am I ready for this?
My Amanda (to distinguish her from all the other Amanda's in my life) pointed out to me that I have worked harder than the typical woman to obtain my college education and career. I had a calling that I had to fight tooth and nail for and was not quite sure how I would get to. God was faithful but did not make my way easy. I never stopped to reconcile/consider my desires to obtain what I needed to accomplish my view of my calling (which has changed more than once) with my desire to be a wife and stay-at-home mom.
Now I am a nurse who is good at her job and I take pride in doing my job well both as a ministry and to the glory of God. I think I even define myself by this at times. I am also expecting my first child and want to be at home making it a wonderful place for my baby and husband.
I am also starting to merge into my husband's business as more of an active partner instead of the cheerleader I have been. I do not know how to be my husband's business partner and I do not know how to parent. I have observed great parents (my own, my grandparents, my siblings, my in-laws, etc) but I have never done this before.
I love my job and the people I work with. I work with American heroes everyday who include me as one of their own. I am entrusted with the care of former American heroes and their love ones. That's heady stuff. From where I stand now, I will be sad to leave those people and what I accomplish there. It will be a slow exit—part-time for awhile before I completely leave.
I like to be perfect at what I do and while I know I am not perfect at my current job, I am really good. I am starting two new ventures in which I have no experience and little training where I will make lots of mistakes and will most likely feel very discouraged at times. Not to focus on the negatives, but I know that those things are inevitable in any new venture. It is intimidating.
Of course, once Nugget is where I can see and hear and hold him/her it will help. I have been so focused on tasks that I am just now starting to focus on realities and emotions. Good and necessary but I am finding things I did not expect to think and feel. It brings to mind Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and without cure. Who can understand it?" Not that I feel my musings are particularly wicked, but I know I do not completely understand my heart and I am so grateful for the Lord's leading and grace. I apologize for the wandering nature of this post, but it was on my heart today.